A Very Personal Rant:
I had been a vivacious extrovert for most of my life. Hang outs, coffee dates, concerts, dancing all consumed my life similar to how silence consumes me now. I could dance for hours and making friends was Child’s play. But now, I enjoy the silence. Or maybe I simply need it as much as I can get.
I cannot put my finger on what sparked this change but I know that it is all there is right now. It is all I can think about and want to figure out but this barrier between me and being my old self feels like a barrier between me and everything else.
Yes, I do still go to parties and go out with friends when invited but the thoughts that go into it before are all perplexing and just..not normal. I try to socialize to get in touch with my old self but when I am in that situation I am still the current me. I don’t pay attention to the words or laugh at the same things and the anxiety that comes from struggling with that makes me fall down deeper in the hole.
I don’t feel excited about parties the way I used to be.
Dressing up seems like a drab, unnecessary task.
Make up used to make me feel more confident before but now I wear it and it doesn’t make a difference to how I feel.
People seem all the same.
I don’t want to dance.
Confidence doesn’t exist.
Getting out of bed to go to school is easy but getting out of bed on a weekend sucks not because I want to sleep in but because it doesn’t matter if I get out or not because I’ll still wear my pajamas all day and want to be alone.
Ironically I don’t love loneliness. But being around people other than my parents exhausts me sometimes. I feel like I’m in a state of constant conflict and don’t know what I want anymore.
Talking to someone new is awkward and the awkwardness makes it more awkward. I used to be a master at making people feel comfortable and now I’m the one uncomfortable.
I’m not saying I’m an unhappy person or I am depressed. I love many things about my life but my fear of social situations is not one of them and might be responsible for hindering other things.
I have stopped trying to fit in and I’m not sure I can fit in anywhere else anymore. I don’t think it is a phase but I do hope it is.
All I know is that I liked my old self more.
Maybe I’m overreacting.